Shit.

I know that he is what my heart wants but my heart hurts. I just need space right now. I need to go and show him that I am the world to him. That I am what makes him happy. And if I'm not what makes him happy then okay. I understand. I can't force him to love me or care about me. But I do know that i put all my effort into it. I layed my heart out and hoped for the best. I know that things don't always work but damn if I don't try my hardest to find out. I hate this person that I have become when it comes to a relationship. I care to much and almost never get the same in return. ): I'm so angry and so upset all at the same time. Ugh. To top it all off, we had thanksgiving a day early and I bring food home for this fucker even tho I'm mad as hell at him it never seems to matter. I'm so over being treated like shit. I get a thank yu and a bunch of complaints on the food. Next time fuck yu and starve!

Ugh. Douche

How is it that in a relationship someone could care so less. I feel alone in this and I am over it. I gave up so much to be here with him and this is what I get. Disrespect. Ugh fuck this shit man. I hate him for this. He can do whatever the fuck he wants and I get nothing. I get yelled at for going to my mom's. Not like I'm out having fun. No I'm helping my mom clean and babysit. Ughhhhhhh. At 23 I never thought I would be in the dumbest relationship like this shit. I am so mad. And he's gona come home as if nothing ever happened and try n kiss me and say he loves. No nigga if yu loved me when I woke this morning I would have known where the fuck yu where. I am at the point where I want to leave him and never come back. I feel as if this relationship is pointless. ): fuck love yo.

well I can say that I am pretty content. has been such a long time since I have felt this happy with life. I have been thru so much and to be here right now is just to amazing. I love it. I don't want to jinx it, but damn I really feel myself falling hard for this man. we have had our share of shit so far but he hasn't left yet. I have to be grateful for that right? ehh I guess. things are slowly working themselves out tho. him being here makes my whole day. I just feel so much better when I know that he is here with me and this is where he wants to be. :) and I know that people are starting to see it to. I always have a smile on my face it is because of him. all day I think about him. his touch warms my soul. regardless of the drama I know that I can count on seeing him to make my day a lot better. well I better go.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Hey girl, you make me wanna write a song,
Sit you down, I'll sing it to you all night long,
I've had a melody in my head since she walked in here and knocked me dead.
Yea girl, you make me wanna write a song

And it goes like ooh, what I wouldn't do
To write my name on your heart, get you wrapped in my arms baby all around you.
And it goes like hey, girl I'm blown away,
Yea it starts with a smile and it ends with an all night long slow kiss,
Yea it goes like this.

Hey girl, you make me wanna drive you home,
Get you outta here and get you all alone.
I don't know what it is about you, baby,
But I'm all messed up and it might sound crazy,
But you make me wanna write a song.

And it goes like ooh, what I wouldn't do,
To write my name on your heart, get you wrapped in my arms baby all around you.
And it goes like hey, girl I'm blown away,
Yea it starts with a smile and it ends with an all night long slow kiss,
Yea it goes like this.

Lookin' at you lookin' at me that way,
Makes me wanna grab my old guitar and play

Something like ooh, what I wouldn't do,
To write my name on my heart, get you wrapped in my arms baby all around you.
And it goes like hey, girl I'm blown away,
Yea it starts with a smile and it ends with an all night long slow kiss,
Yea it goes like this

And it goes like ooh, and it goes like hey,
And it ends with a kiss,
Yea it goes like this.

this song describes my mood at the moment.
love every single word.

I was pretty much hurt to max last night. I try to be understanding and okay about the situation but I find myself sitting here with heartache. I have been told many times that he wasn't good for me. but I always looked past it. I followed my heart and now its hurt. I want so bad to tell him to fuck off and just move on but I cant. I want to see him. I want him to hold me give me a kiss and tell me that we will work this out. I know that I cant be okay with this and that nothing will change, but what if it does? do I give him another chance or just I jut let go? I am so stuck. I hate having this feeling. I feel like no matter what I say or do it will always be the same. I tried to talk to him last night and he just walked away like I was nothing. just brushed it off like what I had to say meant nothing. I wasn't rude or raise my voice I was simply trying to talking to him. all he had to say was sorry. why do all men turn to sorry for the answer? sorry doesn't work with me. there should have never been a reason for him to have to say sorry. I should have never had to bring it up again. he knew how I felt about it from the get so why not take care of it and move on. I have been so willing to work it out and make excuses for him and defend him for every little thing. I have fought non stop with my mom about this since I was open with her about him. she told me that I deserve better. I deserve someone who is going to shower me in expensive things and take me to a fancy dinner and show me love and affection all the time. I personally don't care about the expensive things or the fancy dinners. to me a relationship should be about to people who care about one another and want to make it happen regardless of the problems that come along. I want companionship. some to come home to and kiss me on the forehead. someone to say hey babe how was your day? someone to have an awesome conversation with and not have to worry about the people around me complaining about that person I am with. I just want to be happy and I don't think that it is to much to ask for. you know last night he told me that we would talk about this today and he still hasn't come over. he is always here bright and early everyday never fails. yet its past 3pm and he is still not here. no call no nothing. ughhhh. just come here already.
xoxoxoxoxoxox ash.

I sit and I think. I know that I cant make him do anything that he doesn't want to do but, a girl can wish right? idk what is more irritating, the fact that he knows and still does it or that I let it continue. ugh. this is so frustrating. I try so hard to make everyone around me happy and its like no one is happy and I am miserable. I always have a headache thinking about this. I am so tempted to tell my mom to just take him home but, I don't want to seem over barring. I mean is it over barring to be that way? is it wrong of me to want something so bad and just want it for myself? I ask these questions hoping that one day I will have an answer but that never happens. I just want to have a normal relationship. what is normal nowadays anyway? seems like normal is a male who does whatever he wants while the female just sits at home and worries. then we as females start fights because the male doesn't understand that what he is doing is wrong. in his eyes no matter what he does its okay. but if we as females even want to hang with a few girlfriends its such a big deal and they blow up our phones. is it genuine care or the subconscious telling that that we might be doing what they are doing? I know that not every male in a relationship acts this way but in most cases it is that way. and I just cant help but think that it isn't fair for the male to be okay hurting his women but it isn't okay foe the female to want to do something with being questioned the same way. myself, I have never been the type to cheat I anyway. if I am in a solid relationship I stick to it. 100% no cracks in between. but maybe that is just me.ughhhhhhhh. help?!?!?!?!????!?!
xoxoxoxox ash.

what's bothering me? ha, I can go on about this for days. but at this very moment I can say that no matter I say it, it never seems to matter. I can say it until I am black and blue in the face and its like it never mattered to begin with. then they want to ask "what's wrong?" like you your wrong for allowing so many thing to go wrong when they shouldn't. I have tried to hard to make something out of what at this point means nothing. what does it take to make someone realize that I am serious about this. this is my heart we are talking about an it seems like you just don't care. ugh. I mean do you even think twice before you go out there or answer her calls. do you think of the outcome that it will have on us. I really don't think so. I mean if it did would you go? would you still see her like you do? would her calls make any type of deference in your life? does what se have to say mean that much that you will loose what you have with me? I know that if the tables were turned that nothing like that would ever fly. I would never be allowed to talk to another nigga with out you getting pissed and saying some shit that hurts me. but me, I keep m mouth shut. I don't like to argue. never have, never will. that's just me. I am pretty sure that I go out of my way to do whatever it is that you want. all day everyday I am making sure that what I am doing isn't hurting what we have. I let you keep my phone all day to see that not on nigga is hitting me up and still it doesn't seem to matter you. I don't know, just seems selfish to me. maybe I am wrong. maybe I am overreacting but as a women in a relationship with someone that she wants to be with it doesn't seem like to much to ask for.  RESPECT is it. pint blank period.
xoxoxoxo ashh.

why is it that i allow myself to subjected into such ignorance. i know better then to allow a man to hurt me. not physically but emotionally. i have come such a long way to turn around and allow it to happen again. ten months ago i walked away from a very abusive relationship. not physically but and emotionally abusive relationship. it was to the point that i didn't even want to eat. i wasn't sleeping, i was just sitting on the couch feeling bad for myself as if that was going to change anything. but of course it didn't. he seen my weakness and used it to his full advantage. although it was my fault for allowing it, i was beat. i woke up one day called my job and quit. cashed my last check and rented a u-hal packed all my shit in it. said one final good bye to my apartment and moved 86 miles inland to hemet. when he came to find i had moved out he was blowing my phone up. i changed my number and  just didn't talk to anyone.for several months. i was so devastated. my heart was completely broken. two months after living here i was feeling good. i hadn't to R and my self esteem was coming back. i then met Jason. he was a friend to my brother. he is 26 has a job and comes with baggage. me being the way i am, just looked past it. he was good to me. he has made me feel wanted. the biggest baggage that comes with him is and ex girlfriend. she cheated on him and got pregnant and wont leave him alone. i defend him all the time to my mom. but then shit happens like last night. he is outside my apartment with her chillin til i don't even know when. i went to bed at 1:30 and they were still outside. i have been in here defending him to my mom, why? because i see the better in him yet he is making me look like an idiot. i feel like a dumb ass sitting here defending someone who is not even trying to make the situation better. ugh it just bullshit. just a bad day thats for sure.

xoxoxo ashh.

eff.

day three,
ugh.
man my mind is going 100 mph. i have been told that i am being taken advantage of by the person that i really care about. i don't feel like i am but i trust my mom and more things get seen from the outside. i know that i can be the girl that always gives to much and never get enough in return, but that is how i have always been. i care about him so much and i want to do everything that i can to help him in any way possible. how is it that i can be this confused? do i take my mothers word and do what she say or do i make my own decision and follow my heart. i know that i want him and i am willing to do whatever i can to keep it that way. when i am with him i am happy i am a whole new person. having him there holding  me and kissing me makes me feel like i can be myself. i just hope that ultimately i m making the right decision. ughhhh. i find that i allow myself to fall to hard to fast and end up hurt. i really hope that this time will be different. he seems like he is good for me. goofy, happy, energetic, outgoing and most importantly trustworthy. i just hope that i am making the right choice... well tell next time.
laters xoxoxoxoxo

day two,
i guess.
well today i am happy. seems like lately my moods change more often. i get really upset fast or and just really happy. i have a huge headache but thats is nothing compared to the days i have been having. man seems like just yesterday i had no worries in the world. now everyday i have something more that i have to worry about. ugh. well on a note i am pleased to say that i finally got what i wanted for so long. him. it has been seven months worth fighting for. honestly it wasnt really hard for me to get what i wanted, i just spoke up and showed my affection and bam i got what i wanted. *smiles* hahaha. i makes myself more often then others do. well i can also say that that for once i am happy with the decision i made as well. but lets not get carried away, let the bitch come around and fists will fly. bahahahaha. there i go again. making myself laugh. i am way to funny. hmm. i cant seem to stop smiling. i hope i dont get to excited for nothing. ugh. its worth it right? idk time will tell. well i am enjoyin my wine now. tell next time.
toodles. xoxoxo

hm, day one. i guess.
idk but for some reason i am in an extremely bad mood. i cant but want to speak for him. i want him to understand how i feel, where i come from. i have noticed that even if i give all of myself to him, he still doesn't understand that i would do any thing for him. i need to tell him how i feel but i am afraid that he will just brush it off. i go out of my way to show him in every way that i care yet he is with her. talking about something that is just going to make him upset. then he will come to me and i will pick up the pieces, kiss him and make him feel the way he wants to feel. i cant expect that in return tho. i have been in to many relationships that i have been used, or taken advantage of. i know that  cant allow that to happen again here but i feel as if i have no other choice then to let him treat me the way he feels. why is it that i am weak when it become to men? why cant i be as strong as he is? i just want to be with him and show him that i can be all he wants and all he needs. mt heart is open and i am willing to give him everything he wants. all i need from him is to be the one to except it. ugh. this is so annoying. why cant i tell him this. no instead i am here tell the world in hope that he wont see it so i wont have to explain it. ugh ugh ugh. well i guess i will go. til later.
bye. <3