what's bothering me? ha, I can go on about this for days. but at this very moment I can say that no matter I say it, it never seems to matter. I can say it until I am black and blue in the face and its like it never mattered to begin with. then they want to ask "what's wrong?" like you your wrong for allowing so many thing to go wrong when they shouldn't. I have tried to hard to make something out of what at this point means nothing. what does it take to make someone realize that I am serious about this. this is my heart we are talking about an it seems like you just don't care. ugh. I mean do you even think twice before you go out there or answer her calls. do you think of the outcome that it will have on us. I really don't think so. I mean if it did would you go? would you still see her like you do? would her calls make any type of deference in your life? does what se have to say mean that much that you will loose what you have with me? I know that if the tables were turned that nothing like that would ever fly. I would never be allowed to talk to another nigga with out you getting pissed and saying some shit that hurts me. but me, I keep m mouth shut. I don't like to argue. never have, never will. that's just me. I am pretty sure that I go out of my way to do whatever it is that you want. all day everyday I am making sure that what I am doing isn't hurting what we have. I let you keep my phone all day to see that not on nigga is hitting me up and still it doesn't seem to matter you. I don't know, just seems selfish to me. maybe I am wrong. maybe I am overreacting but as a women in a relationship with someone that she wants to be with it doesn't seem like to much to ask for.  RESPECT is it. pint blank period.
xoxoxoxo ashh.

why is it that i allow myself to subjected into such ignorance. i know better then to allow a man to hurt me. not physically but emotionally. i have come such a long way to turn around and allow it to happen again. ten months ago i walked away from a very abusive relationship. not physically but and emotionally abusive relationship. it was to the point that i didn't even want to eat. i wasn't sleeping, i was just sitting on the couch feeling bad for myself as if that was going to change anything. but of course it didn't. he seen my weakness and used it to his full advantage. although it was my fault for allowing it, i was beat. i woke up one day called my job and quit. cashed my last check and rented a u-hal packed all my shit in it. said one final good bye to my apartment and moved 86 miles inland to hemet. when he came to find i had moved out he was blowing my phone up. i changed my number and  just didn't talk to anyone.for several months. i was so devastated. my heart was completely broken. two months after living here i was feeling good. i hadn't to R and my self esteem was coming back. i then met Jason. he was a friend to my brother. he is 26 has a job and comes with baggage. me being the way i am, just looked past it. he was good to me. he has made me feel wanted. the biggest baggage that comes with him is and ex girlfriend. she cheated on him and got pregnant and wont leave him alone. i defend him all the time to my mom. but then shit happens like last night. he is outside my apartment with her chillin til i don't even know when. i went to bed at 1:30 and they were still outside. i have been in here defending him to my mom, why? because i see the better in him yet he is making me look like an idiot. i feel like a dumb ass sitting here defending someone who is not even trying to make the situation better. ugh it just bullshit. just a bad day thats for sure.

xoxoxo ashh.

eff.

day three,
ugh.
man my mind is going 100 mph. i have been told that i am being taken advantage of by the person that i really care about. i don't feel like i am but i trust my mom and more things get seen from the outside. i know that i can be the girl that always gives to much and never get enough in return, but that is how i have always been. i care about him so much and i want to do everything that i can to help him in any way possible. how is it that i can be this confused? do i take my mothers word and do what she say or do i make my own decision and follow my heart. i know that i want him and i am willing to do whatever i can to keep it that way. when i am with him i am happy i am a whole new person. having him there holding  me and kissing me makes me feel like i can be myself. i just hope that ultimately i m making the right decision. ughhhh. i find that i allow myself to fall to hard to fast and end up hurt. i really hope that this time will be different. he seems like he is good for me. goofy, happy, energetic, outgoing and most importantly trustworthy. i just hope that i am making the right choice... well tell next time.
laters xoxoxoxoxo

day two,
i guess.
well today i am happy. seems like lately my moods change more often. i get really upset fast or and just really happy. i have a huge headache but thats is nothing compared to the days i have been having. man seems like just yesterday i had no worries in the world. now everyday i have something more that i have to worry about. ugh. well on a note i am pleased to say that i finally got what i wanted for so long. him. it has been seven months worth fighting for. honestly it wasnt really hard for me to get what i wanted, i just spoke up and showed my affection and bam i got what i wanted. *smiles* hahaha. i makes myself more often then others do. well i can also say that that for once i am happy with the decision i made as well. but lets not get carried away, let the bitch come around and fists will fly. bahahahaha. there i go again. making myself laugh. i am way to funny. hmm. i cant seem to stop smiling. i hope i dont get to excited for nothing. ugh. its worth it right? idk time will tell. well i am enjoyin my wine now. tell next time.
toodles. xoxoxo